jenepel: (GoGi: Blair "alone")
[personal profile] jenepel
I don't know why, but I'm all worried this week. There isn't even one particular reason or anything bad happening, I just seem to have this general feeling of unease. It's very strange. Partly it might be the upcoming US trip, which I am in no way ready for, and yet I leave in just over a week. I don't even know what I particularly need to do to be "ready" for it, other than the usual nonsense of packing and sorting out computer backups and such, but somehow it just seems to have snuck up on me. Maybe because it feels so soon after I got back from South Africa? IDK. I guess it is a bit up in the air in general b/c I am flying standby and still don't have the dates quite set, and also my friend Drew (who is giving me the AA pass) will not answer his freaking phone so that we can plan some more. Argh.

I've been worrying a little about money too, mostly because I seem to be spending a lot of it. I think it's just coming on the heels of the World Cup trip, and now planning my US one. Hopefully it won't be super expensive, but three weeks away (without pay) is just that, and you can't deny it. And then I've been looking at iphone plans (thinking about getting a business plan actually, since I'll be using it for that too, we'll see) and telling myself how it really is a complete and total luxury expense. Then there's the fact that I really want a new computer, but can't really justify that considering mine is only 3.5 years old and still works. Tom (current subletter) actually offered to buy it the other day. I don't even know how we started that conversation, but the possibility now will not leave my head. And I have shopped a bit lately (I NEVER SHOP) and got some new shoes for the wedding, and some other bits and pieces of things that I kind of needed but that still felt a bit decadent, b/c, IDK, spending money or whatever.

And then, on the subject of subletters, we have house type worries. Our lease is up in just seven weeks, which is really an outrageously short time, especially considering I won't be back until the last month of it. We have no idea what Amy is doing, thus we don't know if we need to fill one room (if she stays) or two (if she leaves), and whether one of those will be sublet for a while (if she stays to November) or filled completely. And there are other possibilities for people who might want to move in, but at the moment I kind of feel like none of them are actually going to happen, so we're gonna end up scrambling for strangers. Either way, we have at least one room to fill, and there is no way Claire and I (and Sarah) can cover rent if we don't get people in both of those rooms, so that NEEDS to be sorted soon so that we can put up ads or whatever else. In general the whole situation is FREAKING ME OUT. I am just so tired of continually having to worry about moving, or finding a new place, or finding new people to fill our current place, or whatever. I really just want to buy something and live there for ages. But again with the not so financially viable or sensible yet. Maybe in a year or so? (So yeah, anyone know someone looking for a room in London starting in Sept? It's an awesome house, really.)

Plus, on the incoming money side, B keeps cutting my hours at work since we're not too busy at the moment (off season), which is just really frustrating. I know it's essentially what I agreed to when I said I would be a contract employee (and there are other benefits), but I also remember at the time being worried about this exact thing and him reassuring me that it wouldn't be a problem because "there was always work to do". Yeah, so we see how that turned out. So mostly, working less hours but still coming in every day sucks, although it makes me feel a lot less guilty about extending the days of my US holiday even more. It also makes me feel bound and determined that I need to be set up SOON with a website and email and etc so that I can properly start advertising on my own. I'm just so sick of depending on B as my main job, I'm antsy to get more freelance. But then I start worrying about my EA exam, which I have not scheduled and am not doing a very diligent job of studying for, and I freak out again. It's a vicious, evil, and stupid cycle.

On top of that, I've just been feeling really alone. Mostly I just kind of float along, and to be honest I've been single for so long that I'm pretty independent and not so good at dealing with giving over control to anyone else. (This may have possibly tanked potential relationship in the past - I can be super stubborn.) But with all these worrying feelings, sometimes I just want someone else to kind of take over and tell me that it's okay and I'm being silly or whatever. Because in my head I know that there is nothing too bad going on in my life right now, but that doesn't really help on an emotional level. I just kind of wish I had someone to relax and let go with, and just snuggle and be calm. I have more specific feelings about it, but they just make me berate myself for being an idiot in various situations, and not knowing my own mind, so that's not helpful. I'm not sure all of this even makes sense? Maybe I just miss my mom (in the US) and [livejournal.com profile] lazyclaire (in France)? I certainly seem to have gotten pretty emo now that Claire isn't home to take care of me and give out her (really fantastic) hugs. :)

Wow this was a lot of whining. Sorry about that! How about some pictures to take our minds off it all? It's not my July 12 of 12 (coming, maybe?) or even the World Cup pics (still haven't gotten them onto FB), but instead a link to pics some other people kindly posted. :)

I spent last weekend in Devon at Beth's parents' house, at a kind of bonding/goodbye extravaganza for Nick and Julie. It was pretty wrenching for them to actually be leaving (back to the US) for good, but the weekend was, frankly, pretty idyllic. See for yourself...

Amy with flowers, their garden (which is kind of insane and HUGE)


Beth's mom, plus donkeys, in their garden


Walking, day one


Devon countryside


Along the shore


The city kids stare at the *nature*! (We were feeling limpets to anemones - very fifth grade science class of us, huh?)


Me watching limpets; I kind of love this one, despite my hair being a mess.


Rocks


And sudden hills. This is what happens when you let Beth lead. (This was much steeper then it appears in this picture.)


Shore view


Nick and I


Walking, day two


Bridge crossing


Sitting on rocks :)


We did this for a few hours, plus beer.


None of you guys know her, but I just really love this shot of Gloria.


Boys. Andy is so Tom Sawyer here, I love it!


These pictures were all taken by Amy and Julie, both of whom have really nice cameras. (Yet another thing I covet, but do not NEED!)
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